Jason Sucks

2012-02-08T14:26:00.000-08:00

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

Motorized beer cooler

2011-08-18T06:25:00.000-07:00

Link.

A man in Noosa, Australia was arrested for driving down a road on a motorized beer cooler while intoxicated.

Tiger headline

2011-05-27T07:10:00.001-07:00

Inkblot test

2011-04-12T08:36:00.000-07:00

Iowa State Fair

2011-03-25T10:04:00.001-07:00

At least we got the lead billing. We definitely should go.

Austin

2011-03-07T20:32:00.000-08:00

Jason, Jon, Dan T., and I just returned from 108 holes in Austin, TX, flying out on a Friday and flying back on a Monday. My personal top 10 list is below, although as we get older the outrageous stuff is more infrequent, so this is a little boring.

10. Having a full row to myself on the airplane ride home, far away from a bunch of dickheads that I know.

9. $30 for a 6 pack of beer is a "special" on the course. (UPDATE: Jon has pointed out that he was charged $55 for a bottle of wine, and $15 for an "uncorking fee.")

8. My conversations with Dan in the hot tub.

7. Cart girl: "Is there anything else that I can grab for you?" Me: Inappropriate laughter. Cart girl to Dan: "That was kinda funny, and I get it."

6. Dan: "I'm joining the Topp/Pearson party for breakfast." Hostess: "I'm sorry about that," as she showed him to the table.

5. The enchilladas I had for lunch on the way to airport before we went home.

4. I play like complete shit the first day, I lose $6. I later play in a substantially less embarrassing fashion (nothing to brag about, mind you), I lose $20 in every round thereafter. God just hates me.

3. My reappearance from a deep gorge bleeding from multiple thorn wounds. I declared that it was worth it because I found 5 golf balls, and I confessed that I had to resist the urge to go for 10 more that were in plain sight but that would have required additional thorn wounds to obtain. Jason scolds me and says that Curt would have done it, and we didn't give up when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor.

2. As my partner, Jon makes birdie on 18 on the last, hesitating rotation of the golf ball on a massively breaking putt. Finally, karma has given me a break. Then Dan hits exactly the same putt from a foot closer and, tragically, he did it too, and his was made in exactly the same fashion. God just hates me.

1. Jon won the shot glass in a last round charge. Hat tip. I just missed out by 40 shots. Just bad luck. But I'm Tin Cup; I will be back.

UPDATE: Jason's post at GCA is here. (Reply 45)

UPDATE 2: One of Jason's pictures below. He calls it the Statue of Liberty. They can all be found here.

Club throwing 101

2011-03-02T07:22:00.000-08:00

Video tips here.

Todd and Jon both could have benefited from these tips years back. Sometime in the 1990s, Todd double-clutched while throwing a 7 iron and it got stuck up high in a pine tree. A guy who shares a name with this guy happened to have a disposable camera in his golf bag (it was before the day of cameras in cell phones) and took great pleasure in taking several pictures of Todd climbing the tree to get it back. And Jon's story has been previously well documented here. Unlike in the video tip, however, Jon hit the water because he double-clutched, not because he was aiming for it.

Topp's Travels 2011 - Soul of the Game at Fiddlesticks

2011-02-15T07:21:00.001-08:00

Editor's Note: This is an excerpt from a thread started by Jason at the Golf Course Atlas website. The content does not meet the standard for juvenility and crudity that this blog strives for, but a decision was made to make an exception in this case, mostly because nobody else has shit for a contribution. The whole thread is here.

_________________________________________

When I accumulate marital points I cash in quickly. Thus, when my wife returned from India safe and sound, I welcomed her home by giving her a hug, packing a suitcase and catching the first flight to Florida. After an evening flight and a good night’s sleep I awoke to sunrise over the Peace River:

I then quickly scampered back inside. In a fit of karma – the temperature was 37 degrees and the wind blew fifteen miles per hour out of the North.

The itinerary included two rounds of golf with my father – one at Fiddlesticks in Fort Myers and the other at Bradenton Country Club with esteemed GCA participant Ben Kodadek.

I first visited Fiddlesticks in 1992. One of my best friends in law school was travelling to Florida for a long weekend to visit his parents and, like the thoughtful friend I am, I invited myself along. Our lodgings that original weekend consisted of a small condominium perfect for two, but with my addition housed six. I showed my appreciation by drinking prodigious amounts of their beer.

Our host was Curt Pearson, a giant bear of a man with a golf swing that defies all scientifically accepted theories of physics and biology. Curt knows how to use that swing, he has a terrific touch with greenside shots that do not rise above knee height and is a ferocious competitor. He also is a person who speaks his mind, but whatever thoughts he had about the impetuousness of a kid inviting himself to stay in such small confines, he held his tongue when he realized the profit opportunity that existed in competing against a shaky midwinter swing that still carried a summer handicap.

After that experience, Curt invited me back time and time again. He also purchased a very nice and rather large house on the golf course. I have no doubt that these two occurrences were related. Curt is now 83 and his handicap has grown to absurd numbers but his scorecard always seems to read at least “1 up” when he plays with me.

Fortunately for my pocketbook, Curt injured himself this year and could not play. He nonetheless found us a willing partner and followed us around the course, “helpfully” pointing out the water hazards along the way.

For me, the Long Mean course at Fiddlesticks represents the best of Florida housing community golf. As its name suggests, the course provides ample challenge and hosted the 2010 US Women’s Senior Amateur Championship. It has served as the practice ground for a number of tour professionals over the years. Even on this weekend, at least one member of the Senior Tour could be found in the clubhouse, no doubt getting ready for the event in Naples the following week.

For those that consider “Florida housing community golf” to be the lowest form of the game, I advise you to relax. Fiddlesticks presents interesting strategic and shot making challenges that tempt and thrill all classes of player. The flowers and ponds are artificial, but then again so is the concept of playing golf on swampland. The birds are fantastic, and most rounds also include a lesson in how a different species finds food. Furthermore, where else will you find a sight like this:

Focusing on the golf alone, the Long Mean presents challenges that are difficult, but only if one overestimates his abilities. Often, a conservative play will result in a lower score. The challenge has only increased with changes to the grass on the greens – making them extremely fast, very firm and with enough grain to confound a northern visitor.

The 15th is one of my favorites. The hole measures 373 yards from the blue tees and could be classified as a Cape. It provides the classic heroic alternatives off the tee associated with the Mid-Ocean version of the hole. A conservative bail out can result in a 200 yard approach. An extremely aggressive drive can get one within 100 yards of the green. The fairway is very wide on the left but narrows as one takes a more aggressive line off the tee.

The reward for an aggressive tee shot is ample as the approach is extremely demanding – to a small green that juts into the water and slopes significantly from left to right. An overly conservative tee shot not only increases the length of the approach, but also presents a less attractive angle to the green with bunkers and slope protecting all but a very accurate shot:

My father hit the perfect tee shot, only to pursue a unique strategy on the approach – a shank. At least I won that hole.

I always look forward to playing the fifteenth but probably enjoy this view looking back the best. It means I have survived:

The ninth hole would receive howls of protest from many GCA participants. It is an island green on a par four of 388 yards (blue tees). It features a forced carry approach of approximately 100 yards but most often in the 120-150 yard range after a well placed tee ball. Tee shots out of position wind up in waste areas on the left or trees on the right. The green is large but contains enough slope that two-putting is a significant challenge if one does not place the approach near the hole.

View from the tee:

Often, matches are decided by who hits the fewest iron shots in the water. Hence, the decision to lay-up or hit a heroic approach when out of position off the tee is usually a difficult choice. Laying up is usually the right call but a difficult one to make when it seems entirely possible to have a ball go under a limb, climb high in the air and land softly in the middle of the green. My father decided the latter approach was the reasonable one even though he has never hit a shot of that nature in his entire lifetime. I prevailed on the hole – one ball in the water against two for him and managed a draw on the front nine (our second).

Curt applauds such decisions because they feed both his wallet in bets as well as his true passion – picking golf balls out of the water with the longest golf ball retriever known to humankind.

View of the approach:

While I am glad it is not a template, I enjoy playing the 9th each and every time I visit – whether it results in winning a hole by a score of 8 to 9 or the thrill of making a no stress par, the hole provides a memorable finish.

For those with fixed views on what does and does not constitute “proper golf” I urge you to widen your horizons. I believe the sight of an 83 year old man balancing on fake rocks to capture his eleven thousandth Top Flite reflects as much about the spirit of the game as one thousand hickory shafted golfers navigating around sheep droppings in Scotland.

I highly recommend Fiddlesticks and look forward to returning again someday.

Bud Light Lime ad: Getting it in the Can

2010-08-10T07:02:00.000-07:00

Northwest Amateur Golf Tournament

2010-08-02T10:49:00.000-07:00

Jason and I played in the Northwest Amateur Golf Tournament last weekend. It was his upteenth year, but my first. The format is two rounds, a cut, and then a championship round (flighted by the prior 2 day scores, not handicap) on Sunday. There are a ton of great players and it is tough to make the cut (154, I think, this year).

There was a lot about the weekend that fits within the "What happens in Spencer, stays in Spencer" category. But here are my PG-13 comments on the weekend.

I finally met "Geek" Johnson. Jason did not adequately prepare me, although he tried. After the first day I worked up the nerve to ask whether I could call him "Geek". I was granted permission, although there might have been some pity involved after he saw me play.
I also met Tony. He could teach Tiger Woods some things about getting yourself into a competitive frame of mind.
I didn't realize going in that Jason had never made the cut, but has been creeping closer lately. So after a nice start on Saturday (77), he was close. Thus, I didn't realize that he was really nervous on Saturday. His inability to pick a parking spot at the course should have been a clue but I had been barfing all morning (not because I was nervous -- I would have had to shoot 63 to make the cut -- but because I had allowed myself to get completely dehydrated the day before.)
Jason played well on Saturday but the golf gods did not shine on him. He just missed the cut. Both Geek and Tony made it.
Tony entered Geek involuntarily into the long drive contest on Saturday night. Geek, with an "I'm no pussy" response, accepted the challenge. After watching him outdrive me by 60 yards for 2 days, I watched him be outdriven by 60 yards in the competition. Humbling.
On the way out of the parking lot of the hotel as we left town, we saw a woman with a full goatee. It put my goatee to shame. She just stared back at us with the clear message "yes, I have a goatee, so go to hell."
Jason obviously won this year's weekend stroke play shot glass competition. Hat tip for that. But I will be back.

Todd

Jason's Ode to Jon

2010-06-08T16:21:00.000-07:00

I'm assuming that Jason will post his "yearning-for-Jon" remix at some point.

Three things

2010-05-13T10:55:00.000-07:00

1. From Jason.

2. From Todd.

a. The 20 Most Boobtastic Athletes Of All Time
b. A competitor. He even copied our template. Anybody else want to buy the tee shirt?

Did Maya Angelou write this?

2010-03-25T08:49:00.000-07:00

Behold the golfer.

He riseth up early in the morning

And disturbeth the whole household.

Mighty are his preparations.

He goeth forth, full of hope,

And when the day is far spent,

He returneth, smelling of strong drink,

And the truth is not in him.

[Submitted by Jason]

New product

2009-11-12T13:00:00.001-08:00

Link.

Reiko Aoyama, who is lingerie maker Triumph’s image girl for 2010, holds the new Nice Cup in Bra, designed to appeal to Japan’s busy golfing women. The green corset-style garment can be removed and unrolled to create a 1.5-meter-long putting mat. When the user sinks a putt into one of the cups, a built-in speaker pumps out a congratulatory “Nice shot!” The bra also features pockets for extra golf balls and tees, and a detachable flag pin that serves as a score pencil. The bra set comes with a skirt with the words “Be Quiet” printed on the rear, which doubles up as a flag for use on the course.

I'm tired of the picture of Busch at the top

2009-09-22T08:01:00.001-07:00

Busch

2009-09-05T11:43:00.000-07:00

"09/03/2009 Steve Busch on the 1st tee during the 3rd round of the MGA Senior Championship at the White Bear Yacht Club. Busch posted a three day total of 224, 8 over par, to finish in 4th place by 6 strokes behind winner Richard Ehrmanntraut."

A picture is worth a 1000 words

2009-08-18T09:54:00.001-07:00

Sikeston Country Club meeting

2009-04-15T14:41:00.000-07:00

Compliments of Jason.

A story about Harold Richard

2009-03-18T07:12:00.000-07:00

A contribution from Jason, who has always been musically inclined.

Whatever it takes

2009-03-13T11:07:00.000-07:00

And his caddie's name is Fanny.

The Return to Fiddlesticks

2009-03-02T20:46:00.000-08:00

I had not been to Fiddlesticks to play golf for at least 5 years. In fact, Jason had been there more recently than me. The return was a blast.

142 holes of golf in 4 days.
52 holes on Sunday.
Mmmmmm.... Beer!
Great match play competitions throughout the weekend, including a father and son competition.
Played with super nice 60 year old guy who hit it past us almost every time. Getting into Curt's kitchen was his full-time agenda.
"There is no alcohol in this beer. I have been drinking here since 9:00 this morning and I'm not drunk." - last comment of biker woman at Harley bar, as Jason and Dan overheard while they were having dinner.
Weekend long stroke play tournament comes down the last hole with only 1 shot separating the competitors. I was fortunate to squeak out the win. Jason has promised me a pink shot glass as the trophy.
On the back 9 of the Wee Friendly both Jason and I went into the water to hit balls. Pictures on my camera phone but I have no idea how to download them to the computer.

Jason composed a song, or at least started on one, on the flight down. He gave me a hint of the theme. It has potential. I insist that he finish it for posting here, where it can be preserved forever.

Oak Ridge peefest

2008-12-24T09:04:00.000-08:00

Compliments of Jason.

Jon Boy

2008-11-12T07:39:00.000-08:00

The Wreck of the Titleist Fitzgerald

2008-11-11T13:27:00.000-08:00

To Jon:

From Jason, with Love.

A dark day in May

When Jon went away to do battle with the forces of evil

Everything was fine til he got to nine

then the winds of November blew early

A chunk in the ground, a plop in the soup
The first rumbling sounds of anger

A helicopter sound rushed out to the sea
A titanium driver caused danger

Despite his fate, Jon soldiered on
But his friends knew what to do

"Sir if you please
My club caught a breeze
Do you by chance have a canoe?"

Lest you think this is a tale full of woe
I beg you sir take note
The Harvester it seems
swallow's men's dreams but thank god . . .

Titanium floats.

Play it from there

2005-04-22T18:07:00.000-07:00

Link to story, here.

Todd

Stoneridge

2005-04-13T20:53:00.000-07:00

THIS IS GOING IN THE MAIL TOMORROW.

TO: General Manager, Stoneridge Golf Course

FROM: Todd Pearson

DATE: April 13, 2005

Over the past few years, my buddies and I have traveled to your course (from the western suburbs) to play on countless weekends, and on Wednesday afternoons because (despite the high price) the twilight rules allowed us to get in as many holes as we could before dark.

Today we tried our Wednesday marathon for the 1st time in 2005. Despite the fact that we teed off at 3:00, each paid $65, and the course was empty, when we finished 18 and tried to tee up again on the 1st hole, your manager on duty confronted us and told us that we had to leave the course unless we paid an additional fee because the twilight playing privileges were supposedly not yet in effect.

Stoneridge needs regular paying customers. Today it insulted and drove away three people who otherwise fit that description. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

TODAY'S BUSINESS 101 GRADE: F.

Get it?

2005-03-08T11:55:00.000-08:00

Jason

Texarkana Top Ten Golf Moments

2005-03-08T11:09:00.000-08:00

14. Michael is distressed about a shot finishing 5 yards from the sprinkler heads
13. 252 chunked iron shots
12. Jason waives a guy through, who then waives up the rest of his fivesome
11. Dan sacrifices to the swamp gods on 10 and 11
10. Jason misses 2 putts from 3 feet by 6 inches each
9. Todd announces, "I'm not going to make nine this time" and then does
8. Todd stripes one down the middle the next time and it bounces sideways in the soup
7. Jason hits two backwards shots, one almost kills him
6. 3 Dave Pelz hole outs in one round
5. Todd announces "I can't believe that one went right (or left or uphill or downhill)"
4. Dan leaves a putt short, Todd threatens to spank him.
3. Jason puts it to 10 feet for eagle on a 600 yard hole (well almost from the tees we played).
2. Dan dominates for a measure of revenge in the last round
1. Todd makes 3 birdies and shoots 79 at TCC.

Texarkana trip - Top 10 List

2005-03-08T00:30:00.000-08:00

Having slept on the plane, I am wide awake. So before I forget, I will offer my Top 10 list of memorable moments from the trip.

10. The golf.
9. Jason leaving his wallet on the floor at MSP, only to have the entire trip saved by a stranger who pointed it out.
8. Watching Caddyshack while intoxicated and laughing at lines that are funny mostly because they were uttered by actors pretending to play golf.
7. The Waffle House, and Jason's adulation of it. ("Tin Cup ate here.")
6. Jason hitting a driver at the freeway from next to the hotel parking lot.
5. Jason losing a ball chipping around the hotel parking lot.
4. Dan crashing a wedding to get some matches, and his giggling at the Texas groom who threatened to beat him up.
3. Former European Tour player hosting us at Texarkana CC and treating us (inappropriately) like royalty.
2. The responses that Jason and Dan got when they asked "are there any strip clubs in town?"
1. Jason's violent, projectile vomiting. Personally, I think that it was unrelated to his alcohol consumption. That "Whataburger" probably was tainted.

TCP

The bets

2005-02-08T07:10:00.000-08:00

I am trying to figure out the appropriate bets for next month's trip. This gives me an idea.

A Welsh rugby fan cut off his own testicles after his team beat England, police confirmed today. . .

It was reported that the man told his friends: "If Wales win I'll cut my own balls off."

Todd

"Man peed way out of avalanche"

2005-01-28T18:24:00.000-08:00

Story here.

A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it.

Rescue teams found Richard Kral drunk and staggering along a mountain path four days after his Audi car was buried in the Slovak Tatra mountains.

Todd

Drunk shaming

2005-01-25T07:27:00.000-08:00

Story here.

Among the strangest rituals of the tribe Guyus Collegius is "drunk shaming," in which an individual who has drunk himself into a stupor is decorated with markers, makeup, food and, occasionally, furniture.

Drunk shaming may seem brutish to individuals older than 30 who hold jobs and don't regularly drink to the point of unconsciousness . . .

I seem to remember a time in Cumberland when certain individuals older than 30 who hold jobs didn't find this brutish at all.

Todd

Progression

2005-01-17T06:59:00.000-08:00

JS
JRS
Jon Sucks
Jon Really Sucks
Hey Jon! You Suck!

Jason

Spooning

2005-01-14T10:42:00.000-08:00

Jason,

Is this what you were exposed to that night in Des Moines when Jon insisted on sleeping on the floor?

Todd

Gordon Lightfoot

2005-01-12T21:15:00.000-08:00

A dark day in May
When Jon went away
to do battle with the forces of evil

Everything was fine
till he got to nine
then the Harvester winds blew early

A chunk in the ground,
a plop in the soup
A prized driver went flying

Despite his fate,
Jon soldiered on
He knew just what to do

Sir if you please
My club caught a breeze
Do you by chance have a canoe?

Lest you think this is a tale full of woe
I beg you sir take note
The Harvester it seems
swallow's men's dreams but thank god
titanium floats

Jason

Open thread

2005-01-12T19:35:00.000-08:00

First comment: Jason sucks.

Second comment: Jon sucks.

Third comment: Todd is way cool.